When I was a teacher, I learned certain responses annoyed students when they asked clarifying questions: No one likes to be talked down to. The best teachers answer the clarifying question without additional comment. If we’re honest with ourselves, the additional comments are not for the student anyway; they’re for the speaker as an outlet … Read more
We talk a lot about communication on this blog, because communicating well is integral to the human experience. We cannot build or maintain relationships without good communication skills. The fallout of bad communication is all around us. Part of the problem, of course, is because we are all very different human beings, with different backgrounds … Read more
Note from Alan: One of my best friends, Matt Pries, is a wise man and a great writer. I’ve asked him to share some of his thoughts about leadership. Matt is Iowa’s 2021 Coach of the Year, and many of his writings have gone viral online. You’ll read more from him over the next couple … Read more
It’s not new information to remind people of the importance of listening. We have reiterated the power of listening on this blog many times. So what’s with another post about listening? Listening is power. Active listening, aka curious listening, is first and foremost about connection. Whereas listening can be used for evil, the intention of … Read more
“Normal” is such a relative term which encompasses a broad spectrum. Since the start of this pandemic, the phrase “new normal” has been used everywhere for just about every situation. The idea is that the pre-pandemic world was “normal,” and the current pandemic situation is the “new normal.” But post-pandemic life will, of course, go … Read more
Have you ever been in a conflict situation where you feel your heart rate increase, sweat lines your brow, and your whole body wants to go into fight or flight mode? Yeah, we all have. Dr. Gottman refers to this as emotional flooding. When you feel emotionally flooded, especially with the same person repeatedly, the … Read more
No one is immune to defensiveness. When we feel attacked, our first inclination is to self-protect. This comes in various forms—denial, deflection, excuses, projection. But defensiveness rarely works and ends up hurting our relationships. The third Horseman: Defensiveness Dr. John Gottman defines defensiveness as “self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood in … Read more
Building and maintaining positive relationships take work and intentionality. Needless to say, relationships are easier in the absence of strong emotion and conflict. But when conflict leads to strong emotions, we have a prime opportunity to build trust and strengthen those relationships. On the flip side, when conflict results in emotional flooding, the human tendency … Read more
I recently read an article by Scott Warrick containing a practical model for looking at trust development. It’s helpful, and I’m highlighting the coolest point. “Seek out points of disagreement with people, then make the disagreement safe.” I’ve written about the importance of making discussions safe, but Warrick’s point is to find small things to … Read more
You’ve read a lot on this blog about feedback and how to give it. I’ve often reiterated how the old “compliment sandwich” is tired, transparent, and holds the possibility of backfiring. First, let’s review what a compliment sandwich is and isn’t. The compliment sandwich is an attempt to give tough feedback between two bits of … Read more